We all know the stories of Juliet and Ophelia, but do you know who Paulina is, or Mistress Overdone? And do you know *everything* about Cleopatra’s story? We’re gonna move four of Shakespeare’s fiercest underrated female characters into the 21st century and set you up with them on a dating app so you can learn more. Check out their profiles to find out their perfect date, their favorite food, pet peeves, and more.
Mistress Overdone, Measure for Measure
You can call me Mistress Overdone for now, but I’m not looking to keep that name for long! “Overdone” was my most recent husband’s name, and, well, let’s just say that if he was overdone, I’m looking for a fresh start. Will you be my lucky Husband #8? Swipe right to find out, cutie! <3
- What do you do for a living? Up until very recently I ran an extremely popular and respected establishment where I employed young ladies in a… selective trade. However, when the high-and-mighty Angelo became Duke he shut down my flourishing business over claims that it was “immoral.” Like, what?? So, now I’m basically a full-time flirt, which is a nice break from the hustle and bustle of business life!
- What do you look for in a long-term partner? Long-term? Hmm. That’s a great question. I mean, I guess that depends on how you define “long-term”… all of my marriages have been between three hours (long story) to a year, tops. So I’ll get back to you on that.
- What annoys you in a partner? When they don’t respect my prowess as a businesswoman. I worked hard to get where I am! Yes, I might be surrounded by a bunch of idiots (*cough cough* Lucio *cough cough*), but I’m the most frequented business in town because I worked for it. I have a degree in marketing! People don’t even care about that!
Cleopatra, Antony and Cleopatra
I’m going to be straight-up: I’m a bit of a drama queen. But if you can handle that, I’m all yours. I will, however, definitely require that you don’t have any other attachments. Like, wife, girlfriend, anybody you might be expected to be with instead… that’s a big no-no. Doesn’t matter if they’re several countries away. I’m not going to be happy about it.
- Your favorite animal: They’re so handy, aren’t they? If a little frightening and tragic. But, I mean, it’s not like I’d ever use their venom on purpose. Especially not to evade a plot to be displayed as a token of victory from a brutal war after my lover has committed suicide. Right? Right??
- Your worst fear: Well, I’m not very good with water. Maybe that’s why my navy’s ships fled the battle that I was supposed to help my boyfriend win… oops.
- Your perfect date: Sitting on the couch with some extra deluxe pizza and Netflix, ignoring the movie while I check your phone to see if you’ve liked any other girl’s pics on Insta.
- Your dream job: Commanding an army. And a country. And my man.
Paulina, The Winter’s Tale
What’s up, I’m Paulina. First thing’s first: if you plan on breaking my heart, do not bother swiping on me! I’ve seen that happen to my best friend and she had to pretend to be dead for 16 years. I so do not have time for that. So, if you’re still reading, here are the answers to some of those questions:
- Qualities you look for in a partner: Loyalty, sacrifice, and leniency. I will NOT be controlled, so don’t even try it. I want someone who will stick up for me when other people (read: men) try to tune me out or drag me down.
- Your pet peeve: When people won’t own up to being wrong. And you’ll have no excuse because I definitely *will* let you know when you’re wrong. And I’m not very good at the whole forgiveness thing, so it’s over unless you’re willing to be repentant for at *least* a decade and a half. My trust, once lost, is not easily regained.
- Your worst fear: Not being believed. I know what it’s like to be dismissed for speaking out about what I know to be true.
- Your secret hobby: Uh, so this is a little weird, but I really like magic. And…I’m pretty good at it. Very good news if you’re kind to me and want me to make you a moving statue. Very bad news if you are unkind to me and I have to curse you.
Tamora, Titus Andronicus
Okay, let’s make this clear: Goth =/= black nail polish and heavy metal music. The Goths are my people, and I am their queen — so I swear that if one more person swipes on me and then DMs me to talk about off-brand Doc Martens and Five Finger Death Punch I will delete this app for good. Anyway, hi, I’m Tamora.
- Describe a recent challenge in your life: What part of my life hasn’t been a challenge lately? I mean, my people were enslaved, my son was killed, and I was forced to marry the Roman Emperor who helped orchestrate all of that to begin with soooo… not doin’ great. Oh, yeah, I am, like, technically married… I’m just looking for a little change-up, if you know what I mean. But if you can deal with all that baggage, hit me up. I’ll be worth it.
- Your greatest strength: I am extremely skilled at strategy and deception. I’ll make people believe whatever I want them to and then do them in when they least expect it. If you find that attractive, good. If you don’t, don’t worry. I won’t do that to you. Probably.
- Your favorite color: Ugh, I hate this question. Okay, it’s black — but I swear it’s not because of the goth thing!! It’s just my dark vibe, okay??
So, who would you swipe right on? Let us know in the comments below, and check out the plays these ladies are in!